Here are some quotes. Some are funny, some are serious. Don’t steal the quotes database. You can send inter­esting quotes to the Castellan of Quotes. They might get added to the database. You should also send correc­tions to the Castellan. They will be appreciated.

Strange but true. At least I think it’s strange, and I’m assured it’s true. — Slartibartfast, Life, the Universe, & Everything (Douglas Adams)

Give a man a fire and he’s warm for a day, but set fire to him and he’s warm for the rest of his life. — Solid Jackson, Jingo (Terry Pratchett)

Good news! It’s a suppos­itory! — Prof. Hubert Farnsworth, Futurama

It has been said that pros­ti­tution is the oldest profession. But we must remember that before one may pros­titute, one must first contract.

The Declaration of Independence only guar­antees the American people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself! — Benjamin Franklin

A Republic, if you can keep it. — Benjamin Franklin

It is a kind of strange and improbable white heat, where admi­ration becomes religion and religion becomes philosophy and philosophy, the whole of one’s life. — Ayn Rand

I never saved anything for the swim back. — Vincent Freeman, Gattaca

This is Jeopardy! — Johnny Gilbert

Pity for the guilty is treason to the innocent. — Ayn Rand

‘Mercy’ means an unearned forgiveness. — Leonard Peikoff

I am.
I think.
I will. — Equality 7–2521, Anthem (Ayn Rand)

I feel like I’ve been incar­cerated in a blueberry. — Nigel St. Nigel, Psych

We shall nobly save, or meanly lose, the last, best hope of earth. — Abraham Lincoln

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. — Albert Einstein

Why, oh why do we pay taxes, hm? I mean, just to have bloody parking restric­tions and buggery ugly traffic wardens and bollocky pedes­trian bloody crossings, you know? And those bastard railings outside shops so you can’t even get in them? I mean, I know they’re there to stop stupid people running into the street and killing them­selves, but we’re not all stupid! We don’t all need nurse-​​maiding! I mean, why not just have a stupidity tax? Just tax the stupid people! — Edwina Monsoon, Absolutely Fabulous

What the hell is the difference between a painting done by a person who chooses to paint like a child and a child’s painting? — Patsy Stone, Absolutely Fabulous

Tina! Bring me the axe! — Joan Crawford, Mommie Dearest

The truth ain’t like puppies, a bunch of ‘em runnin’ around and you pick your favorite. One truth, and it’s come a-​​knockin’. — Emerson Cod, Pushing Daisies

They mostly come at night. Mostly. — Newt, Aliens

If you must go whoop-​​whoop, please go whoop-​​whoop not to windward, but to leeward. — Hercule Poirot, Murder on the Orient Express

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misin­formed beholder a black eye. — Miss Piggy

And it is a thousand candles that will burn for every brave soldier that marches to the steps of the drums of liberty, so that tyranny will never trample the spirit of freedom in the hearts of men throughout a world thrown into darkness and despair. It is despots and tyrants who run our rivers red with the colors of a hundred trampled flags that unfurl in the winds of liberty, blowing over centuries of depri­vation; where men who have known treachery and treason can still light torches in the caves of honor! — Marlene DuChard, The Cheap Detective

I could eat a can of Kodak and puke a better movie! — Lola Brewster, The Mirror Crack’d

Marty! Jackie-​​O wants a drink-​​drink! — Jackie-​​O, The House of Yes

I watch soap operas. I bake brownies. Normalcy is coursing through my veins! — Jackie-​​O, The House of Yes

Most things in here don’t react too well to bullets. — Capt. Marco Ramius, The Hunt for Red October

She’s pooping fabric! — Michael Kors, Project Runway, Season 5

Stop this banging! I’m coming of my own accord! — Lysistrata, Lysistrata (Aristophanes)

I’m the Doctor. I’m a Time Lord. I’m from the planet Gallifrey in the constel­lation of Kasterborous. I’m 903 years old, and I’m the man who’s gonna save your lives and all six billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that? — The Tenth Doctor, Voyage of the Damned

Stop eating my sesame cake! — Captain Wanta, Congo

The cake is a lie. — Unknown test subject, Portal

Voilà, ma petite Amélie, vous n’avez pas des os en verre. Vous pouvez vous cogner à la vie. Si vous laissez passer cette chance, alors avec le temps, c’est votre cœur qui va devenir aussi sec et cassant que mon squelette. Alors, allez y, nom d’un chien! — Raymond Dufayel, Le Fabuleux Destin d’Amélie Poulain

Please place the Weighted Storage Cube on the 1500 megawatt Aperture Science Heavy Duty Super-​​colliding Super-​​button. — GLaDOS, Portal

The Enrichment Center reminds you that the Weighted Companion Cube cannot speak. In the event that the Weighted Companion Cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice. — GLaDOS, Portal

You have over­bur­dened your argument with osten­ta­tious erudition. — Abigail Adams, John Adams

Vegetarians are the enemy of every­thing good and decent in the human spirit, an affront to all I stand for, the pure enjoyment of food. — Anthony Bourdain, Kitchen Confidential

Government, properly delimited, is necessary for the func­tioning of a human society and is, as such, a good thing. Escaping its long arm may be difficult, but attempting to create a society without it — or reinvent it without under­standing what it is and why it is needed is impos­sible. — Gus Van Horn